Without them

Amazingly my twin autistic wonderboys have been at camp for six whole days now – without me!  Wow.  I was expecting the call long ago that they bolted into the woods, had a nuclear meltdown, or the counselors were simply sick of their quirks and sent them packing.

Without them, I’ve had a week of space and time to catch a play, a museum, time with the neurotypical daughter, self care errands like the periodontist (OK that was not my idea of vacation fun), and husband-talk.  Having dinner solo with the hubby last night, no kids, was weird.  Shades of the future when child rearing years are done and it’s just the two of us, like it was at the journey’s start.  OK I worked a lot while they were gone too; kind of what I do with myself.  But there was a white space to the margins that was soothing, yet also lonely in a way.

Without them, I’ve wondered what they missed about home – what they’ll first crave when back at the cradle – what they learned.   I always hope my boys know they’re loved, even when they’re not with us.

Tomorrow morning I’ll no longer be without them.  They’ll probably smell like real men after a week in the woods, and probably weigh 10 pounds more given the stash of cookies W’s counselor showed us as his secret behavior-inducement.  I’m already thinking about the long soaking bath I’ll give J., and whether Will still will crave his computer and his iPad.  – Yet my life will be complete, in a way – and the source of what has made me good, focused, and whole will be back to further reshape me into the person I’m meant to be.  I know they’ll be things W and J will do that I will not entertain as happily.  Yet refreshed for the journey, I’m eager to see what they are – and bend the sapling into a mighty tree.